Breeze Perspectives: Dining room etiquette a lost art in present day
By Traci Cox, contributing writer
Posted on April 10, 2006

Ah, the college pursuit of wooing. Despite my plan to take an 18-credit sabbatical from the Pandora’s box of baggage we call “dating,” my dashing good looks and promising literary merits were undeniable. I was recently obliged to have been asked out by several young men — a few of whom I thought were potentially reputable and that I may have enjoyed fraternizing with — after all, my most intimate relationship this year has been with Chaucer and a frigid Perrier.

The ambience, the mood, the small talk — each date I went on seemed to start off normally. And then the food came. Suddenly I found myself in a Stephen King novel as I sat across the table from whom could be the guy from “American Werewolf in London.” As I mercilessly gawked at the carnivorous creature before me, I could not help but think, “where have all our table manners gone?”

It gets worse. Now, I’m not saying that it’s inappropriate to show hunger (or severe starvation, as it seemed was my date’s problem) or even to make slight intonations of delight while chomping away. But when it gets to the point where you not only have both elbows on your table, your napkin tucked in your shirt and you sound like Frankenstein, there’s a problem. I’m not sure if he was raised by a pack of wolves or not, but this lack of respect for me — the person I thought he was trying to impress — and for everyone else within earshot is completely ridiculous.

This is not simply a reflection on college students, males or my awful dates in general. This issue speaks for our entire nation and the overwhelming decline in etiquette and table manners from which we are suffering. Not only is our diet horrendous, the actual method in which we eat is despicable. What ever happened to the precedent set by our favorite classic TV shows like “Leave it to Beaver?”

While you probably can’t call me an expert, I have been eating for quite some time — successfully too. Here are some simple guidelines for all you people who eat a normal meal like you’re in the world hot dog-eating contest. First, like the song says, just put it in your mouth. It’s not that problematic — actually, it’s probably more difficult to miss. If you’re really that hungry, you should be paying more attention to where your precious meal is going. Secondly, if you do happen to miss the giant orifice that you have been shoving God-knows-what into for about 20 years, don’t make up for it by salvaging crumbs. They’re not that important, and I’m sure your fellow food-mongering friends would let you steal a bite off their plate if you asked nicely. Lastly, don’t ever eat off someone else’s plate unless invited. I can’t tell you how charmed I was as my date proceeded to pick at the debris embedded between his choppers and inquired — all while his hand molested my plate — if I wanted the rest of my chips. And just for the record, no, I wasn’t finished.

I will never forget the image of his sharp teeth viciously ripping apart his burger, or the arduous process of licking his fingertips in order to pick up the crumbs from the bacteria-infested table. Most deeply seared into my brain would be the nauseating experience of aerodynamic pieces of food that showered the vicinity — and me — as he incessantly gabbed with his mouth full. These dates continue to haunt me as I sit here staring at my untouched sandwich. Next time, I’m wearing a poncho.

Traci Cox is a freshman English major.