Breeze Perspectives Give ninjas the chop
College obsession with ‘Karate Kid’ needs to stop
By Kris King, contributing writer
Posted on October 5, 2006

I can’t take it anymore. It needs to stop, and I’m going to be the one who stops it. Ninja humor and its offspring (I’m looking in your direction, pirates) needs to be put to bed forever. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get it. Ninjas are fast and they mercilessly kill their prey without them even realizing it until it’s too late. But guess what? That stops getting funny after seven years of unrelenting ninja references. Now before you get all up in arms and demand that the editors of The Breeze present my head on a platter for attacking such an essential element to college humor, allow me to explain myself in the only way I know how: an overly long, opinionated and pompous editorial.

All right kids, step into my time machine. It’s 1999, and you’re between the ages of 11 and 15 years old. As you browse the new world of the internet on your 56k while downloading a 64kbps mp3 of “Nookie” on Napster, your then best friend “BigSurf2004” sends you the following message on AIM: “lol man chek this!” You click, and oh my God: it’s “Real Ultimate Power.”

You see all of those ninjas flipping out and playing guitar while that wonderful midi of “Big Pimpin’” blasts out of your speakers and all of those warm childhood memories of playing with your Ninja Turtles come rushing back and suddenly, ninjas don’t have to be amphibians to be awesome. Ninjas are the coolest, funniest things in the world. God bless you, Internet.

All right, back into the time machine, don’t push. So you’re in college now surrounded by a large body of people who are roughly the same age and they all saw “Real Ultimate Power” seven years ago, too. Then all of a sudden you start joking about ninjas because others are familiar with it and you think you’re cool because, my word, you saw “Real Ultimate Power” in 1999 just like everyone else. You made a joke, impressed a few friends, and started a three-hour conversation about whether a ninja could beat a dinosaur in a wrestling match. No harm here, right? Wrong.

If there is one thing that I’ve learned during my three year adventure in higher education, is that college kids will take something that they love and suck the life out of it until nothing remains but a grayed, shriveled corpse begging to be put out of its misery. Usually, the joke will eventually run its course and die from overexposure, but ninjas, for some reason, won’t go away. 

One can’t go anywhere without being bombarded with ninja references. There are ninja parties, ninja concerts, ninja shirts, ninja clubs, ninja Facebook groups, and anything that is remotely discrete or quick suddenly becomes a ninja. And somehow, the ninja hybrid has come into popularity as well: ninja pirates, ninja Vikings, ninja groundhogs, ninja cats, ninja emo kids; it doesn’t matter, if you put the word “ninja” before or after another noun it apparently becomes automatic comedy gold.

I beg of you, please, please stop. The year 1999 was a long time ago and it’s time to move on and put your ninja to sleep.

“But Kris,” you say, “you can’t kill a ninja.  Ninjas are unkillable!” And my response to you, dear reader, is to shut up. Ninjas are finished, and there is nothing clever about them anymore.

I know I may be coming off as selfish or pompous, but I’m saying this with only your best interest in mind. I realize it may be hard, and that it will be like putting down your beloved aged pet, but in the end, your favorite martial artists will thank you for it. Let ninjas take their place in Internet meme heaven (or hell) with the “Numa Numa” kid, Strongbad, “All Your Base,” “End of the World,” and “Rejected.” Send them home. And come Halloween, when ninjas come up to your door asking for candy (or in JMU’s case, alcohol), think of me fondly and punch them in the face.

Kris King is a senior English major.