Breeze Horoscopes
By Brian Goodman, mouthpiece of the cosmos
Posted on October 23, 2006

LIBRA: With Ursa Major pulling strongly in the Southern sky, you will find yourself pondering for hours how Fergie doesn’t know that London is an actual city, that London does in fact have a bridge, and that it doesn’t involve her underwear.

SCORPIO: All signs indicate that Rep. Goodlatte, of Virginia’s Sixth District, will win re-election.

SAGITTARIUS: The positions of Mars in relation to the moon will likely cause children to dress up like monsters and beg for food door-to-door in approximately eight days.

CAPRICORN: You have recently made a big decision that will direct the course of the rest of your life. You chose poorly. Please try again.

AQUARIUS: If wily Jupiter is to be believed, your professors have all conspired to schedule every one of your midterms on the same day, just because they hate you.

PISCES: The stars indicate that you had a very long Homecoming weekend, which resulted in a very long hangover. Take two ibuprofen and call the stars in the morning.

ARIES: You will die.

TAURUS: The alignment of the outermost three planets indicates that today is a bad day for travel. Don’t get on the plane.

GEMINI: The gravitational pull of the moon, combined with the position of Saturn, will cause Kurt Cobain to rise from his grave and perform a benefit concert for his wife’s rehab bills in the Arboretum. During the concert, he will look around, state “#&@% this!” and promptly go back to the grave.

CANCER: You will eat Cheez-Its. Lots and lots of Cheez-Its.

LEO: Chances are good that you will have a fender bender with Richard Simmons in a Sheetz parking lot, where he will promptly roundhouse kick you in the face.

VIRGO: Venus’ position will cause this week’s installment of “Lost” to be cancelled, replaced by the episode of “Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers” when Gadget joins the cola cult.