The Writing on the Wall: The acceptance speech of the marriage amendment
Ballot Question #1 thanks you for your vote
By Brian Goodman, opinion editor
Posted on November 9, 2006

Thank you.

Well, we did it, ladies and gentlemen — we did it! You’ve done it!

Oh, Virginia. There are many who are responsible for the victory we have experienced tonight. To thank them all would take more time than we now have.

But the true actors, the true winners tonight, are you, the voters of Virginia, who chose to add me to your state constitution. It was your irrational fear, your religious zealotry and your blatant hatred that made this night possible.

This great state of Virginia has a glorious, long-standing tradition of using religious arguments and states’ rights issues to discriminate against minorities. I am glad to see that this illustrious tradition is as alive and well in 2006 as it was in 1906!

Ever since those meddling activist judges on the Supreme Court killed off our dear friend Jim Crow, the good people of the South have been locked in an epic struggle with the federal principalities and powers that seek to destroy our right of self-determination, and determination over other people. Tonight, my victory proves that the battle is far from over. The South will rise again!

To my supporters, I say congratulations! This victory is yours as much as it is mine. We have made it clear that we will protect our children from diversity at any cost. While homosexuality may still be legal, do not minimize the impact I am going to have on the state constitution. This is a great step forward in our quest to rid the world of difference.

At this time, I also feel compelled to address our former friend and active supporter, Ted Haggard. Ted, even though your behavior has made you an abominable stench in the nose of all that is good and right, your years of dedicated service against gay marriage has not been forgotten. Disgraced and hypocritical though you may be, your works have earned you a place of prominence in the great commonwealth of Virginia. You are always welcome in this great land, at least until my sister amendment — defining travel on state roads as being only for men who love women — gets passed; we must, after all, protect the sanctity of our streets.

And to the 43 percent of Virginians who did not vote for me, don’t worry. Provided you are of good, heterosexual stock, I look forward to working with you in a bipartisan manner in the future. A house divided cannot stand, and as long as you’re not gay — and therefore not a domestic entity — we are all in the same house.

Again, Virginia, thank you for your vote. With my passage into the state constitution, you have successfully made homosexuals the new blacks. We have much homophobic discrimination to catch up on in this state; let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work.

Brian Goodman is a tongue-in-cheek senior communications major.