Breeze Horoscopes
By Brian Goodman, mouthpiece of the cosmos
Posted on December 4, 2006

LIBRA: Be careful not to read any newspapers today; any newspaper, especially student papers named after forms of wind, will today give you the papercut of a lifetime.

SCORPIO: You will form an organization for the sole purpose of making people “aware” of something, and then promptly forget why.

SAGITTARIUS: Beware the sushi at Dukes. Signs indicate that ex-KGB operatives have been there recently.

CAPRICORN: You will have an epiphany while using the toilet today. You won’t want to miss this one — do not get off the toilet until the epiphany arrives.

AQUARIUS: Pegasus indicates that your study habits for this upcoming exam period will consist solely of calculating what your final grade will be if you don’t show up for the tests.

PISCES: The position of an asteroid in relation to Mars will result in you initiating a passionate love affair with Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, complete with the requisite divorce a few months later.

ARIES: You’re still here?

TAURUS: The position of Ursa Major indicates that you will suffer a sharp blow to the head, from which you will awake purporting to know what the “sanctity of marriage” actually means.

GEMINI: Mercury’s relation to Venus is a strong sign that you will finally get your big acting break, making a cameo in one of those Geico “caveman” commercials.

CANCER: For reasons inexplicable by science or stars, today the music from “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut” will serve as the soundtrack of your life.

LEO: Jupiter says that you will stop on Interstate 81 today and pick up a hitchhiker, who will turn out to be none other than the comedic genius Carrot Top. Throwing Mr. Top out of the car will earn you a Nobel Prize.

VIRGO: The position of Orion suggests that you will drop kick a puppy in anger after hearing Newsong’s “The Christmas Shoes.”