Breeze Horoscopes
By Brian Goodman, mouthpiece of the cosmos
Posted on February 19, 2007

LIBRA: The stars indicate that while sliding down the unplowed ice on West View Street in your car, you will accidentally run over each and every “American Idol” contestant and judge, automatically guaranteeing you the Nobel Peace Prize.

SCORPIO: The scorpion is pulling strongly in the Southern sky, causing you to organize a vicious protest on the National Mall against Britney Spears, who did not have the generosity to interrupt her self-destructive binge by donating the hair she shaved off to Locks of Love.

SAGITTARIUS: The moon, Cassiopaeia and Mars have been moving in and out of alignment for the last few days in a beautiful, orgiastic celestial dance. As a result, you will, for reasons beyond comprehension and control, actually find new episodes of “Saturday Night Live” funny.

CAPRICORN: Because of Jupiter’s position and your resilient aversion to read any news not reported in People magazine, you will get salmonella from the Peter Pan peanut butter you should have thrown out last week.

AQUARIUS: All signs indicate that your, as you say, “totally awesome” Spring Break vacation will be filled with sun, fun, attractive members of the opposite sex and a nagging, insoluble feeling that you have really and truly upset your mother and embarrassed yourself.

PISCES: Today you will shockingly discover, after analyzing Justin Timberlake’s new album, that the extreme overproduction and digital enhancement used on the CD was designed to hide the fact that “Sexyback” was actually performed by Gilbert Gottfried.

ARIES: Due to the extreme cold, our crystal ball froze when we went to look up your future, which can only mean you have no future.

TAURUS: The alignment of Venus and Mercury will cause you to dream that you are a dalit on the streets of Kolkata for a day, forced to eat garbage and beg because your caste has no social value; when you awake, you will realize that “Grey’s Anatomy” really isn’t all that important.

GEMINI: Irrespective of your gender or age, you are the true father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. The fates compel you to go and claim your fortune…er…child. The fates meant to say “child.”

CANCER: The gravitational pull of the moon, when combined with the position of Ursa Minor, will give you the peace you have longed for regarding your insatiable man-crush on former Attorney General Janet Reno.

LEO: Neptune’s position means good things for the pursuit of justice through sacrifice. Signs indicate that you will slip and fall on the unshoveled ice in front of a private home on the way to campus, prompting you to sue the hell out of all the lazy homes and businesses who think they are absolved from liability and Harrisonburg law.

VIRGO: Chances are good that the next presidential election will not be won by Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, John Edwards, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney, but by Barbaro, a dead horse with the power to touch lives.