Through the looking glass: Hail to the hairless Britney Spears
Celebrity-obsessed Americans get their fix as the famous self-destruct
By Sarah Delia, staff writer
Posted on February 22, 2007

Ms. Britney Jean Spears — Brit, if I may — please let me be the first to formally congratulate you on being the first human yet to have the power of stopping the press, getting record high hits on YouTube.com, and blowing the Anna Nicole Smith scandal out of the water. Who cares about some recently deceased reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe, when the American public has you? You are our icon and savior, who needs neither introduction nor a full set of hair. Speaking woman to woman, no doubt feminist activist to feminist activist, I will humbly attempt to denounce those uptight soccer moms calling you “out of control,” or worse, a poor mother and role model. No matter what channel we watch, be it news, entertainment, sports or any other network that displays visual images that can be projected through a television screen, we all see you, know you, and pledge allegiance to you, Britney — before we would do so to our own flag. You are, after all, our nation’s pop princess.

Spears added something new to her laundry list of things to do this weekend before getting ready to hit the clubs and dump the kids off: Step one, apply lip gloss. Step two, find most revealing outfit possible that is still technically considered clothing. Step three, shave head. Step four, run toward the nearest tattoo parlor in L.A. to ink up. Step five; mindfully forget to put on underwear, which goes without saying. Yes, after our dear checked in and then promptly checked out of rehab in Antigua, she chose to enter “Body and Soul,” a popular tattoo shop in L.A. to visually express herself through ink — an act that could have gone unnoticed if not for the new Sinead O’Conner look she decided to sport. While poor Britney was getting a bright red and pink lip kiss print on her wrist, a monstrous crowd drew gawking and pointing at Britney; apparently none of the men, women and children present had ever seen a bald person before.

Many ridiculous questions have been brought up since Britney’s past weekend’s outing, such as, what about her kids? Let the record be set straight that baby boys Sean Preston and Jayden James are in safe hands with their mother. Britney has gone to great lengths to ensure the security of children, even purchasing a car seat for not one, but both boys. She now drinks her vodka in water bottles, which in turn encourages the boys to drink water, and is currently switching from Marlboro Reds to filtered cigars. When Britney’s had a hard day and needs to hit the clubs for a bit with good friend and law-abiding citizen Paris Hilton, she can always rely on ex, Kevin Federline, who has a great sound-proof playpen in his recording studio.

This weekend, the world stopped because of you, Britney Spears. The world is in mourning over the shearing of your beautiful golden locks and new permanent tattoos defacing your porcelain skin. We are all worried about you, Brit; we need you to stay alive and well to keep us feeling good about ourselves. In fact, I promise along with the rest of the American people, that we will continue to know more about you and all the drama your life entails than the amount of casualties in the Iraq War. We promise to know how many hookups you’ve had in the last year instead of who the next presidential candidates are. We will continue to hate Christina Aguilera and love you by reading all the Star magazines we can instead of actually picking up a newspaper and becoming informed citizens. All this and more will be coming your way, our dear Britney, if you just promise us one thing: for the love of God, grow back your hair.

Sarah Delia is a sophomore English and art history major.