Breeze Horoscopes
By Brian Goodman, mouthpiece of the cosmos
Posted on February 26, 2007

LIBRA: With the moon’s peace-bringing light blocked by clouds of snow and rain, there is precious little between you and the butt-kicking of a lifetime after America’s hero, Jack Bauer, sees you cut in the soda line at Mrs. Green’s.

SCORPIO: The position of Hydrus and Lynx in the Southern sky will bring you much praise for your surprise win last night of “Best Actor” at the Academy Award as a result of your BS’d GCOM speech from last semester.

SAGITTARIUS: Don’t eat vegan at D-hall today, not that you would have. Your lunch will be ruined after the state police raids D-hall’s vegan counter, where an uneasy coalition of gnomes, leprechauns and horse jockeys were operating a meth lab.

CAPRICORN: Orion’s place in the sky will prompt Vice President Dick Cheney to claim, in a CNN interview, that your academic performance will let al-Qaeda win. He will then shoot you in the face.

AQUARIUS: With the fates on your side, this is the perfect day to achieve your dreams.  If you can muster enough energy, endurance and perseverance, you will successfully scale one of the mountains of plowed snow in the Baseball Lot.

PISCES: Following the “small” stroke suffered by Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, the odds are good that you will be tapped to replace him, since no one else in the entire world, including Sean Penn and Jane Fonda, wants the job.

ARIES: The fates recommend that you do not leave the house today. Instead, the fates believe it would serve you well to hide under the covers, contemplating your own mortality; clearly, you need to get more comfortable with it.

TAURUS: The position of Neptune indicates that you should return the Banana Republic sweater you bought the other day — according to Neptune, it was made from a synthetic mixture of seaweed and Britney Spears’ hair.

GEMINI: Though Pluto is no longer a planet, it still retains much influence over the celestial world; a Bill Clinton of the heavenly bodies, if you will. Pluto’s position will therefore require you to change your dark blue dress. You will also find yourself terrified of Starrs.

CANCER: The edgy position of Pegasus in the East warrants you take particular care while driving today, lest Avril Lavigne’s new, immeasurably obnoxious song comes on the radio and prompts you to go blind with rage.

LEO: Jupiter and Saturn together will give you the idea and the opportunity to travel to New York, where you will pitch Naomi Campbell and a cell phone as the leads for the Broadway rendition of Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”

VIRGO: Chances are good that you will experience difficulty collecting your winnings from your bet that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes would win the Academy Award for “Best Crazed, Placenta-Eating Hollywood Couple.”