On preserving some self-identity when tying the knot, for better or for worse
Posted on September 27, 2007
Women go through many rites of passage in life, and I’m not talking about anything to do with a family life education course here. I’m talking about marriage and becoming “Mrs. So-and-so.” Great aunts and chick flicks alike portray the wedding day as the “best” and “most important” day of a woman’s life. Why?
Yes, brides get to eat a lot of cake and wrap themselves in an excessive amount of tulle. And, a devoted father finally gets to take a load off as he generously gives away his daughter to another man. Weddings are a lot of fun (as long as there’s no karaoke) and are a nice tradition. As I see more and more of my intelligent girlfriends waiting impatiently to utter “I do,” I wonder if they have ever consciously considered that there’s something more empowering out there than just being a Mrs..
Our American culture, like most cultures in the world today, trace family lineage patrilineally. That means that when we made that poor rendition of our family trees in the fourth grade, the name that kept popping up all over the branches was a masculine one. Looking at it, it’s hard to tell that the Mrs. had an identity of her own until she was accepted into this new family. (All it takes to further convolute that gluey papier-mâché mess is a woman who keeps her maiden name). In Japan, it’s against ancient Japanese law for families to have 2 different last names in the same household. That name, of course, cannot be the maternal name.
Some cultures, like the Bedouin, trace their lineage through the mothers. Seriously, who the heck decided that after a woman spends hours laying on her back in severe pain, having her amazing figure permanently stretched and forever altered, that the child she just popped out gets her husband’s name? Can you say “rip-off?”
Mmm-mmm, girlfriend, there are a plethora of alternatives to simply being a Mrs. You can keep your maiden (a.k.a. innocent unmarried woman waiting to be rescued) name. Of course, hyphenation is always an option. Another choice that was fairly common in the 19th and early 20th centuries is using your maiden name as a middle name. But then again, that gives you two middle names, unless you get rid of your old one. All this writing could be a case for carpel tunnel, and makes life sound like a Henry James novel.
Indeed, there are issues to consider when keeping your maiden name or hyphenating you last names. What names will your children have? What about taxes and bank accounts? What about declaring purchased items on an international flight?
Having a single, consistent name for the whole family may be easier, but to do it out of comfort diminishes the tradition and only reinforces sexist social norms.
Traditions are something to look forward to, like eating a lot of fatty food and watching football on Thanksgiving. I certainly anticipate my wedding someday, but the patriarchy, social dictation, and inequality that is rooted in the ceremony — especially the exchanging of a daughter for a ring and a name — is unsettling.
Ultimately, every woman (and man) will have to make a personal choice about their married names. Oddly, only a tenth of women today keep their last names, while a fifth in the 1990s kept theirs —a big change in such a short time. Whatever decision that is, whether your name is twenty-seven letters long with three hyphens or you have two middle names, at least ponder the power, identity and freedom of always being a Ms. — and never a Mrs.
Traci Cox is a junior English major.
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