Makeover madness

The following incident report may or may not represent actual events:

Moving toward Main Street from the commons, I hurried my pace as I attempted to apprehend and rehabilitate a male subject reportedly wearing man-clogs and Capri pants.

As I reached out to arrest the fashion victim, I felt a sharp pain strike my upper-left shoulder. Reflexively, I reached back and there it was: I had been darted down in a blaze of glory. I whispered, "I have been injured in the line of duty" as I slipped into unconsciousness.

On a side note to Mr. Capri-pants-outfit, just because you got away this time doesn't mean you can get away wearing an outfit that looks better on your sister than on you.

It took a couple of seconds for me to get everything in focus. My first thought was: Did my favorite button-up shirt get damaged in the line of duty?

I inspected it immediately for any damages. Let's all breathe a sigh of relief because it was fine, thanks to the durability of cotton.

I am glad to say that I have fully recovered, and I will be patrolling JMU again very soon. During my two-week recovery period, two things loomed in my mind: accessorizing and — drum roll please — the A-fashion-nado makeover contest.

The Makeover Contest
My advice for the week: Enter someone in the A-fashion-nado makeover contest. Fill out the entry form below and write a paragraph explaining why this person deserves to be pampered and why he or she needs a fashion overhaul. We will pick one male and one female to make over through donations and services from local businesses. Their makeover stories will be featured in the style section.

I know what you are thinking: entering someone in this contest is like offering your friend a tic-tac as a subtle way of saying their breath stinks. This contest is not like that. This is not a way of subtly saying your friend is badly dressed. It is an opportunity for someone who deserves to be stylishly spoiled by a well-trained team. Cut out the entry form below and submit someone you know who could desperately use a new look.

Accessorizing
It's all those little things you wear and get right that make a big impact and a bold statement about your good taste. Here are 10 tips to accessorize by, and if you already know them, conisder it your job is to pass along this key information.

1. Brown belt, brown shoes. Black belt, black shoes. Earth shattering, I know.
2. White athletic socks and black dress shoes are a bad habit to fall into. This is one of the few times I will ever be opposed to integration. If you can't seem to break the habit, you should invest in boots.
3. Ladies wearing Tiffany's silver charm bracelet is good, very good. Wearing things that come in those robin-eggshell blue boxes is always a good thing. Guys in serious relationships remember these tidbits as you look for Valentine's Day presents or engagement rings.
4. Mixing gold and silver is like wearing black shoes and white athletic socks. The combination looks weird, and despite rumors that this is a hot trend, it is not.
5. Using your dog as an accessory to pick up hotties on the Quad is a bad, bad thing. How about just relying on your charm and good looks so I won't have to call the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals on you.
6. Burburry plaid, a.k.a. Euro-plaid, is everywhere. While I am a fan of the camel-colored print, I have heard reports about its ubiquity. As one secret fashion agent stated, "I can't stand how everyone has it." (I have to two secret agents and an intern. Please remember that the Harrisonburg Fashion Police welcome all those who are willing to put in the training to be on the force.)
7. Jennifer Lopez? J. Lo? J. Who? J. What? J. David hates to be the one to tell you that big, gold hoop-earrings are on their way out. That doesn't mean you have to throw them away; just recycle them by using them as bracelets.
8. Cars are a great accessory. I know not everyone can afford rides like the Audi convertible I saw in the Modular Building parking lot. The amount you are willing to spend on a vehicle will impact the make, model and options you can afford. You must remember one very important thing when picking out a car, no matter if you are spending $500 or $50,000: make sure it is a pretty color. Another secret agent told me this: low-rider cars are a bad accessory to have at a college campus because of all the speed bumps, not to mention the fact that she thinks they look stupid. Will the owner of a low-rider vehicle please … not beat me up.
9. Scrunchies. If you are older than 12 and still wear this hair accessory, please step forward so I can shave your head and give your hair to someone who won't mistreat it by putting it up in a ring of elastic covered in a colorful, scrunched-up fabric.
10. Hey, what time is it? Make sure your watch suits with your outfit. If you are dressed up, please do not wear your rubber, athletic watch. You don't need to know the time that badly.

You loyal readers know I am a giver, and here is my extra gift for you today. The greatest accessory you can put on is a — dramatic pause — smile. Smiling and making others smile around you means you have a sense of humor. There is nothing sexier and more stylish than a nice smile. If you have a bad outfit on, just smile. If you have busted teeth, just smile.

The dictionary describes fashion as "that which what looks nice to wear." Hi, I'm James David, and in my next column I will either discuss the effect of Lockean and Hobbesian political theory on our current two-party political system of government in terms of how each respective theory's assumptions on the natural human state have been manifested in how Democrats and Republicans view the world in two very distinct ways, or I might just talk about online shopping and give you a report on my makeover contest.