Don't 'Count' on it

courtesy of SPYGLASS ENTERTAINMENT GROUP Edmond Dantes, played by Jim Caviezel, and Mercedes, played by Dagmara Dominczyk, are engaged to wed in "The Count of Monte Cristo."

Vivid actors. Intriguing suspense. Exciting swashbuckling. Witty dialogue. Fascinating characters. These are all qualities found in Alexandre Dumas' legendary novel "The Count of Monte Cristo." It's a shame that after more than 30 screen adaptations of the classic tale, the current film version has none of these traits.

Taking a wonderful book — full of subplots, action, suspense, creativity, twists and turns — and turning it into a long and boring movie is never easy. But the 21st century Hollywood formula made it unavoidable. First Jay Wolpert wrote a screenplay based loosely on the novel, changing the ending and characters' relationships and exchanging much of the story for one flimsy plot. Then Kevin Reynolds, director of "Waterworld" and "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," added his methods of cinematic success: dark scenery, authentic settings, overacting, bad lines and gratuitous cleavage.

The classic tale begins with two "friends," the naïve Edmund Dantes (James Caviezel) and the back-stabbing Fernand Mondago ("Memento"'s Guy Pearce). Dantes is engaged to the giddy, overacting Mercedes ("Keeping the Faith"'s Dagmara Dominczyk). In order for the ruthless Mondago to steal the girl, Dantes is put in prison for helping Napoleon Bonaparte — a treasonous offense he didn't commit. Dantes escapes and then sets up shop as a rich Count, gets revenge on his conspirators and lives happily ever after in the new Hollywood ending.

Mondego's double-crossing is foreshadowed to death with obvious lines like Dantes telling him, "It's always an adventure being your friend." Apparently Reynolds and Wolpert don't trust the audience to follow good acting, but insert obvious dialogue instead, like Dantes repeating, "Where are you taking me?" when he's dragged off to prison.

Perhaps the filmmakers didn't want the audience to engage in any thinking anyway, like wondering why all the sword fighting is necessary when the same characters have access to guns. Or wondering why one character's measly "conspiracy to murder" presumably receives the same torturous life imprisonment as another character's treason and murder. Maybe if the filmmakers numbed the audience so much it would laugh at Jacopo ("Traffic"'s Luis Guzman) and his unfunny attempts at comic relief. Then the numb audience wouldn't care that the stupid reunion ending, with a rainbow in the background, wouldn't end.

The filmmakers should have heeded Jacopo's advice to Dantes, "You must end this." And college moviegoers should listen to Dantes' earlier line, "Everything's an adventure when you're young," — especially trying to fathom this botched effort.