There was a moving poem published by a female student here that told the story of two English majors who fell in love and lived together for three years. They shared an enthusiasm for great literature, as well as everything else. In exam week before graduation, the man said, "I love you. It’s been a wonderful relationship. Now is the time to move on." The comment of the poet was, "Didn’t he realize that I’d given myself to him?" To which the answer must be that he did not. Some time ago, I discovered that my granddaughter at another college was living with her boyfriend. I bombarded her with e-mails, pointing out that every day she lived with her boyfriend, his estimation of her was likely to drop. It is one of the laws of life that no one values what he gets for free. It is a humiliating thing, I said, to give yourself to a man who has not given himself to you. Every day, her chance of marriage was diminishing. I advised her to grit her teeth and ask him, "Are you serious about me?"

There is a happy ending to the story. She took my advice and now is happily married, pregnant and expecting a girl. After telling this story in class, one student raised her hand and said, "I told my boyfriend what you had said. And I asked him if he was serious about me. He at once got up and shouted ‘no way!’

He then packed up and left our apartment without another word." The good news is that she did not waste three or four years, while she was at the peak of her attractiveness, with a man who said he loved her but did not want her. The bad news is that four girls came to my office after class that day to tell me, tearfully, that they did not dare to ask the men they loved the same question.

Most of men’s insensitive behavior may be sheer ignorance and I don’t want to paint them all as rascals.

However, men do tend to be dominated by their sexual urges and they can forget the other important emotional issues involved. It is women who are the great lovers. Men have to be taught to love. But men never will learn to love if women permit them uncommitted relationships. Women — whom by nature are extremely articulate — effectively are silenced and their wisdom remains unspoken if they cannot ask their partners whether they are serious about them.

To sum up, the Sexual Revolution has pulled down the social barriers that historically have protected women from men’s predatory instincts. And, I’m sorry to say, a great deal of ineffectual remedies are being offered by the advice columns of newspapers — including The Breeze. It is time we thought out a new strategy to deal with what is a catastrophic misunderstanding about love.

Geoffrey Morley-Mower is an English professor.