The agony of meeting the parents: the next big step

Sex In The Suburbs

"Oh, so you must be so and so." Although you may have been preparing for this moment for some time, those words still make your blood freeze, if only for a second. Your clammy hand is enveloped in a warm, firm, motherly handshake as you step inside the door. The inevitable has happened. You’re meeting the parents.

One day, your significant other will say, "I’m going home this weekend, and I’d like you to come."

The first day you and your special someone finally got together — after agonizing weeks of deciding who likes who — you most likely weren’t thinking about the parental units. But, someday, you will come face to face with the two people whose genes contributed to create the person you love. That means they had sex. But just try not to think about that part.

Meeting the parents is like making pasta. Once you know the ingredients — what to say, what to wear (or not wear) and how to handle staying the night at chez parents — you’ll be as golden as a wedding band. Then just hope nothing boils over during dinner. And — whatever you do — DO NOT smoke on the roof or agree to anything that with the words "lie" and "detector" in the same sentence.

First, mind your P’s and Q’s. Keep some degree of truth and honesty when dealing with the family. That time when you "went to Columbia to bring the orphans new clothes and clean water, expecting nothing in return" might make an impression. But it might backfire someday when you forget you said Columbia and start gushing about Haiti. Telling the dad that your mom graduated from his alma mater also is a quick way to gain parent points — until you can’t rattle off the mascot or the location of the school.

Now, realize that lying to the parentals might not be the quickest way to win their trophy of acceptance, even if you can pull it off. Just be polite. Don’t show off, and don’t crank up the wit too much. If the parents love their child as much as you do, they’ll realize the common thread and end up loving you, too.

Junior Carly Miller had another idea about how to win parents’ affection. "Bringing a gift is always a good idea," Miller said. "It shows that you thought of them before you came over."

Pull out all the stops if the visit includes a stay in your love’s childhood home. Bring your most conservative pajamas and, this is an obvious one, reserve all long and short displays of affection for outside the immediate proximity of the parents’ bedroom. If you are daring enough to spend time in your darling’s bedroom, leave the door open. Mom "innocently" will walk by several times, and she’ll be pacified if she can look in and see that your shirt is still on and his hands are on his lap.

The level of physical involvement can play an important role in how parents’ view their offspring’s significant others, Miller said.

"My ex-boyfriend’s mom hated me until she found out we weren’t sleeping together," Miller said.

Once the whole ordeal is over and you’ve passed through the weekend/evening unscathed, your relationship with your honey most likely will have progressed to a new level. And, if you had the foresight, you walked away with some baby pictures for blackmail — just in case your parents don’t like your date.