Thrift shopping in the Burg: No Problem

by Evan Allgood, contributing writer

We’re all familiar with Notorious B.I.G.’s infamous credo: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” The more money you get, the more problems that will follow. Of course, using Big Poppa logic, the opposite is also true. I have absolutely no money, so naturally, I don’t have a care in the world. I guess perennial unemployment has its benefits.

The greatest and only benefit would have to be guilt-free shopping at the thrift stores here in Harrisonburg. I have no qualms about frequenting these fine establishments, in part because I’m broke as a joke, and because I am forever donating back the very shirts I purchase. It’s a revolving door of eye-grabbing fashion that everyone should walk through at least once (you haven’t lived until you’ve paid a nickel for a black mesh hat with a golden Batman logo emblazoned on the front). For those of you who have yet to taste the forbidden fruit of frugality, allow me to share some of my own experiences in the hope that it will inspire you to shoot down the Aeropostale and make the American Eagle extinct.

One of my more recent buys that became an instant hit — is a black T-shirt with three pictures of a wolf on the front: one howling at the moon; one crouched on the ground, majestic; and one boring its yellow eyes straight into the souls of all who dare look me in the chest. It looks like something Napoleon Dynamite’s evil twin would wear. I knew this shirt was destined for great things from the second I hit the checkout line. “Such pretty shirts,” the woman said. “Ooh, I especially like this one, with the animals.” And she smoothed her hand over the pattern, as if to draw the beast’s power right out of him. You were a fool to even try, for I am his Master now. I wear this shirt about once every three days and I’ve probably gotten two dozen compliments in the past month. I’m not speaking in hyperbole here. Men and women alike — especially men, but especially women — love this shirt.

Another favorite of mine is yet another black T-shirt covered in mammals. This time the shirt doesn’t depict a howling wolf, though. Instead: four white horses galloping through a thunderstorm! Shrouded in mystery and framed by lightning, people often mistake these beauteous broncos for unicorns. Look closely, though, and you’ll notice that they have no horns. You’ll also notice that the shirt has no sleeves, as I promptly cut them off minutes after the purchase. Later that night, the first time I wore this cotton gem, my entire house actually burst out laughing as I stampeded down the stairs. You may have seen me wearing it while pumping iron at UREC, although I doubt you’d remember, as anyone who looks directly at the shirt goes into convulsions of sheer, unadulterated ecstacy and blacks out without delay. This shirt is so electrifying that lifeguards won’t let me swim in it.

Well, these were only two examples of the dozens and dozens of diamonds I’ve found in the rough, odd-smelling aisles of our local thrift stores. Other choice items include a shirt that says, “Grandpa is the name, spoiling is the game,” and what appears to be a homemade t-shirt, which fits like a glove. I hope to see you all out there, not just hunting for wolves or horses or senior citizens, but hunting for bargains.

No money? No problem.

Evan Allgood is a senior English major.