Lover of Women, Conquerer of Nations

International organization assigns comedic value

by Bobby McMahon, senior writer

In the ever-accelerating world in which we live, the average person can find it difficult or even impossible to keep up with the latest advances in technology, entertainment and political events.  This list would not be complete, however, if “comedy” were not included, as being up to date on the latest jokes, Internet clips and movies is an essential part of life on this planet.  Thankfully, the International Board of Comedy, better known as the IBC, meets a minimum of once a year to make definitive rulings on both intentional and unintentional comedy.  I sent my crack team of investigators to report on the conference, and they watched as the IBC made several important decisions with historical implications.

The most contested of the decisions came on the subject of “The Chappelle Show.”  Formerly the gold standard by which all racially driven satirical television was measured, many influential board members have as of late gone cold on the show.  Vice Chairman Mitchell H. Thurgood stated, “The board still feels that the show itself has comedic value, but the constant quoting and mimicry of select lines of dialogue have dragged the show down to the level of more recent episodes of ‘The Simpsons.’”  After much deliberation, the board voted to move “Chappelle Show” from its “gold standard” status to “unqoutable/watchable,” with another vote in March whether to downgrade it further to “untouchable” status.

During its four-day conference, the IBC also added several topics to its famous “No Longer Funny,” list, sounding a death knell for comedians and quasi-funny people alike who use the topics in a vain attempt to appear funny.  Those topics added to the list included Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, women’s orgasms, Viagra, the differences between men and women/blacks and whites/any two groups, the deep voice from movie trailers, airplanes (during deliberations, one board member shouted, “OK! We get it! The peanut bags are small!”), the nationality of cab drivers and the television show “Fear Factor.” Those who use these topics in stand up routines or conversation will now face the full power of the IBC’s enforcement wing, which claimed responsibility for over 600 bad-joke-related arrests in 2004 alone.

The IBC wrapped up their conference with what they have grown to call the “Lightning Round,” a bevy of non-controversial decisions left for the last day.  Here are the most important decisions made during this smorgasbord of rulings: The tranquilized brown bear falling onto a trampoline has been upgraded from “really funny” to “hella funny,” taking the spot of the water skiing chipmunk as the funniest animal in motion.  Canadians and Irish were declared funnier than Americans by a three-to-two margin.  Scurvy has been ruled the funniest vitamin deficiency disease, and jaundice took the crown as funniest disease of the liver.  Larry the Cable Guy was given “never funny” status, joining Carlos Mencia and “Mad TV” in that catergory.  Finally, Tom Cruise’s role in the 1996 movie “Mission: Impossible” has been added to the list of most unintentionally funny movie performances, joining Paul Walker’s work in “The Fast and the Furious” as the only non-Keanu Reeves performance on the list.

IBC President Jean Patrice Von Toobervooden, serving as the only delegate from Spain, summed up the weekend: “We made a lot of progress, and I think we made some sound choices. Now, I would wager that many people do not think the service we perform is necessary, and I would remind them that at one time, everyone in your country thought that Sinbad and Mark Curry were hysterical.  If not for the IBC, society could never move on from the sins of “Houseguest” or “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper.” The IBC removes the unfunny and elevates the funny so that comedy itself can flourish. People need to know what to laugh at.”  The IBC will meet again next fall, when a topic of conversation will most surely be the status of “Saturday Night Live” as “kinda funny” or a “waste of time.”

Bobby McMahon is a senior political science major, and wonders where one can find the word “renovation” in the dictionary.