Chuck Norris better than JMU football

By Matthew Stoss, sports editor

It’s OK. I didn’t really want to watch the JMU/UMass game anyway. I didn’t know it at the time, but in retrospect, watching Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley slide up and down on the Total Gym was much better than seeing JMU lose on a field goal by some Albanian guy with a name I choose not to attempt to spell.

So instead of watching the first three quarters of Mud Bowl 2005 — which shouldn’t have been played by the way. Whover made the decision to play on that field should be fired, or have their eyes checked because they ruined what should’ve been an awesome game.

Anyway, I learned that the best way to reshape your body is by resistance workouts, and that according to Chuck Norris, you’d have to run 30 miles a week to get noticeable results. Also, the Total Gym comes pre-assembled, which I feel is something Norris has on Tony Little’s Gazelle or any of the Bowflex machines — even if Bowflex has better-looking models.

And not that Chuck Norris isn’t cool — if anyone ever saw “Sidekicks”, I think you know what I’m talking about, even though I heard the kid who played Chuck’s sidekick eventually hanged himself, which is kind of a bummer. But, I did get to watch football, as hard as it was to pry myself away from Christie Brinkley toning her thighs. First I watched Michigan State and Ohio State. I picked Michigan State — who was winning for most of the game until they decided they didn’t want to and bent over to the will of an Ohio State team, which, year after year, inexplicably continues to win football games with minimal offense. Spartans lose 35-24. I’m 0 for 1.

We’ll skip over the Madison game for now and move on to the biggest non-JMU game of the day: USC at Notre Dame. They call it the greatest intersectional rivalry in college football — not sure who “they” are and I’m more not sure what intersectional means, but apparently it’s pretty significant, according to ESPN.

It was a good game with my pick (the Irish) leading most of the game, until of course the end, when they weren’t, thus losing to Southern Cal in a game that had everything but the Stanford band. But the main point is the Irish lose 34-1 and I am now 0 for 2 in a cruel way as both of my picks snatched defeat from the hands of victory.

Pick No. 3 was Hofstra over Maine and that worked out as the Pride crushed the Black Bears 44-0. Pick four was JMU over UMass, which made me 1 for 4 and very unhappy.

Right here is where some game analysis and a bit of recap would go, but being as Harrisonburg’s “good news” TV station Channel 14 WAZT experienced “technical difficulty,” I have no frame of reference and am therefore out of my element, so I shall once again go solely on what I make up.

WAZT is celebrating 20 years of spreading the aforementioned good news and by which they mean, news of a Christian nature. Not sure how Chuck Norris relates to gospel of any kind, but they say God works in mysterious ways and as disappointing an answer as that is, I suppose it will have to suffice.

But disappointment does rather aptly sum up my weekend of college football quite well…