Canidates not without play value

The Writing on the Wall

More than any other in recent history, this year’s presidential election has demonstrated the political regression of America. When examining the candidates, the public realizes that we have not been asked by the two major parties to make an educated decision for the most qualified candidate — we have been asked to pick with which toy we want to play.

For example, this will not be the first column to make the connection between George W. Bush and GI Joe and, knowing how unbiased educators are, there most likely will be history textbooks that will make the same comparison. Regardless, it cannot be denied by even the most hard-line Republican that the president is very reminiscent of the plastic soldier.

Both intrinsically embrace the military and aren’t terrified to use it in a decisive way — as were Carter and Clinton. Bush, who looked extremely comfortable in a flight suit after landing a jet fighter, is as gung-ho and He-Man-esque as the doll. He even looks as though he has a perpetual case of helmet hair.

On the other hand, if Bush is GI Joe, then Senator John Kerry is a Barbie doll. The first indication, naturally, is his preoccupation with his appearance. If Barbie were a real girl, one would imagine that Botox injections and $1,000 stylists would be as a part of her regimen as they are Kerry’s. As a result, both look significantly younger than their years would indicate — though Barbie hides her 46 years better than Kerry does his 59.

Just like Barbie, women enjoy Kerry far more than his opponent — that he graduated from the Anna Nicole Smith School of Marriage Ethics notwithstanding. He divorced one rich heiress and married a richer heiress. Just like Barbie’s biologically impossible proportions, Kerry’s marriage habits are criticized by some, ignored by most and willingly accepted by the rest. Also, if his hair ever was cut, like Barbie’s, an objective observer would be hard pressed not to assume that it wouldn’t grow back.

And do not let us forget the vice-presidential candidates. John Edwards makes a very good Ken to Kerry’s Barbie. Ken is purchased not as a doll to play with, but rather as another accessory for Barbie, this time with a humanoid appearance. Edwards does nothing other than add that humanoid touch to the Democratic ticket. And, honestly, if ever there were a man who could have flesh-colored underwear permanently glued to his person, Edwards would be the man.

As for Dick Cheney, he cannot help but come off as an angry Cabbage Patch doll whose hair met the business end of a weed-whacker — enough said.

Consequently, we will not be going to the voting booth on Tuesday — we will be going to Toys ’R Us. American people probably would rather vote for a real man than some plaything with a recommended age on the side of the box.

I, for one, am growing increasingly weary of having to vote for a Pinocchio on Election Day. Perhaps one day, the Democrats and the Republicans will stop giving us dolls to vote for and run a real boy.

Brian Goodman is an undeclared sophomore.