Student says why he's proud to be an infidel
by Zak Salih
His message is clear: Death to the Infidel.
Despite how desperately we don't want to admit it, the man
of the hour is none other than Osama bin Laden (or OBL for short,
kind of like OPP or KFC). He's in our magazines, on our television
sets; weeks ago we finally heard his voice on Al-Jazeera, a Muslim
news station and while it wasn't the deep baritone of megalomania,
it was enough for those of us on the home front to think twice.
He has an agenda with the goal of a global Islamic state where every
day would be a day spent under his malign misinterpretation of Shari'a,
the traditional Islamic law. His is a world where people live their
lives according to the doctrine of a regime as opposed to free will.
Oh yeah, and death to the infidels as well.
So the question is: are we really infidels? Well, according to
OBL, we most certainly are. Americans are the rich batter that true
infidels are made out of. We're the Extra Crispy Bucket of
Infidels. The Big Mac of — you get the point. In the mind of
OBL and every other religious/ social/political fanatic circulating
this shining, happy place we call Earth, anything that differentiates
from the norm, anything that inspires creativity, anything that
celebrates freedom, is out. And the man of the hour, Mr. OBL himself,
wastes no breath condemning our civilian population. My question
is: what did we ever do?
It's not like we sing songs about sex/death/violence, vote
for political leaders who run the country while receiving sexual
favors, or teach our kids to read books that may have nothing to
do with certain religious or political mindsets. Wait a minute ...
Yet why should we apologize? So maybe some of us cut people off
in traffic — so maybe some of us wake up every morning in Martha
Stewart bed sheets and eat Kellogg's Pop-Tarts and live fancy-shmansy
Kodak-colored lives. So what if some of us eat, read, sleep and
breathe a hedonism that Allen Ginsberg could never hallucinate?
Why should I or anyone else in this country have to apologize? What
are we doing but illustrating what a free country the United States
is? A country where you actually can be angry with your government
and not risk capital punishment? A country where you can murder
your wife and be the center of a celebrity three-ring circus trial
that lasts for years? A country where I have the freedom to write
a satirical article like this? Who could ask for anything more?
I mean, let's be serious. Regardless of how important a role
we play in the global community, you have to admit the United States
can be a little outrageous at times. That's what's so
beautiful about freedom: we can be silly and stupid and laugh about
it. Where else but in America would Jerry Springer still be in business
and worshiped like the Dionysus of the trailer park drama? What
other country would construct cinemas that hold midnight screenings
of a boy and his sexual relations with a pastry or dinosaurs gone
rampant for the 16th time? What other country would give Joan Rivers
her own television show? Something tells me you won't find the cinema
oeuvre of Pauly Shore airing on Al-Jazeera anytime soon.
So let's give each other a big pat on the back because not
only are we infidels, but we're such good ones. We're
great at breeding them; we do it so well. Like the Holy Madonna
(the other one) said: "Express yourself/don't repress
yourself." She's not sorry, because it's human nature.
Sure, to err is to be human, but to be culturally liberated is to
be American.
I say we keep on rocking and rolling and doing what America does
best. Live a life of freedom, even if it means being criticized
as an infidel. After all, who likes critics, anyway? Why should
we be afraid of al-Qaeda or any other radical-fanatical group with
its sights set on destroying American freedom? We've got Oprah
Winfrey, Howard Stern, O.J. Simpson, Starbucks, Amazon.com and the
World Wrestling Federation. The United States may be a nation of
infidels, but we're living free. And in a new world where death
can lurk on an airplane or inside an envelope, living life is all
that really matters.
And that's the bottom line, Osama. Why? Because Stone Cold
said so.
Zak Salih is a sophomore SMAD and English major who is happy
with American freedom, especially since Joan Rivers has her own
show.
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