Woman’s holy sandwich fits God's plan

An Outsider's Perspective

It is quite an amazing thing when two unmistakable powers combine forces toward a common goal. Whether it is AOL and Time magazine ganging up on the world to control all of your information, or Scooby and the gang asking for the help of the Harlem Globe Trotters to solve a mystery, the new super team usually produces marvelous results.

With this in mind, let us dissect the Madonna grilled cheese miracle. For those of you who are completely lost, let me explain. Ten years ago, a woman made a grilled cheese sandwich and, after taking one enormous bite, she looked down to see the face of the Virgin Mary etched in the white bread.

Currently she is trying to sell this item on eBay and bidding is in the thousands.

That is a true story. Right now in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., is a 10-year-old sandwich that is said to have magical powers of good fortune. I thought God would never be able to out-do the Reuben sandwich, but, apparently, immaculate conception beats out sauerkraut and corned beef every time.

Some may see this sandwich as a miracle; I see it as smart marketing. This is without a doubt a crossover effort between God and the folks at Atkins. What would make you want to eat a carb less than if you saw the image of Jesus in your pasta? Such sacred edibles are a perfect way to stick to your diet for, rather than going straight to your thighs, a stigmata cupcake would bring you good fortune and 15 minutes of fame.

But good Lord, I am a little confused. On the one hand, the Father has performed many pro-bread feats, including Jesus feeding a large crowd from one loaf, as well as the famous last supper/Body of Christ ordeal that many Christians recreate every Sunday. I suppose even an all-knowing being never would have guessed that people voluntarily would give up pumpernickel to unhealthily shed a pound or two, yet it seems as though God does want that woman in Florida to fit into the floral dress she has been eying for her upcoming reunion.

Sadly, I believe this plan lacks foresight. While good citizens will not eat holy snacks, I can see many making sandwich after sandwich looking for even a picture of Henry Kissinger so they, too, can sell their fried bologna on Wonder Bread on the Internet for a quick profit. Rather than focusing on the food pyramid, maybe the heavens should be looking to sneak images into those products that seem to be the downfall of society.

In our age of placing advertisements on everything we possibly can, why did it take God so long to realize that Americans are suckers for great product placement? Certainly if you opened a bottle of gin only to see St. Peter on the back of the label, you would be quick to give up alcohol.

This is the perfect way to reduce vice and sin; if every so called "instrument of the Devil" suddenly became a relic, the general population would save their John the Baptist cigarettes instead of smoking them.

Regardless of the intention behind the sandwich, it was refreshing to see that even now religion is something that is to be toasted.

Nathan Chiantella is a junior psychology major.