The kiss and tell debate begins

Everyone wants to know about sex. In this day and age, most people expect or at least hope that sex is noteworthy. And much of the time it is. Be it mind-blowing or really-freaking-bad, sex is almost always the first topic of conversation upon seeing your friends again after a night of passion.

"How was it?" "How big was he?" "Did she ever get on top?" "Did he talk dirty?" Then comes the verbal instant replay from start to finish.

Starting back with the horrific confessions in the "Say Anything" column of YM teen magazine, people have been broadcasting their worst scenarios for the world to laugh at.

I'd like to begin by challenging one of kissing and telling's more popular myths: "A real gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." Hmm. My reasons for disagreeing are as follows:

One, women kiss and tell like it's their job. (Oh, please. We do. Don't deny it.)
So why should men be held to a higher standard? That is what sexual equality is all about — having the same rights both in between and outside of the covers. Since girls giggle over males' sample sizes, I say let boys scoff at our cellulite.

Two, I know plenty of genuine, bonafide, good, sweet guys who kiss and tell without it affecting their maturity or likability. Just because he recounts a story of a girl's dorky underwear or badly-timed flatulence doesn't negate him from the good-guy category. Although any honorable person will keep a night's events to a dull roar, realize that everyone has to tell their best bud.

Three, what better way is there to be educated? If a guy recounts his experiences to me, as a female, I always take down mental notes. You can get an almost foolproof itemized list of do's and don't's straight from the mouth of the opposite sex. Kissing and telling is life's instinctual Sex Ed.
I am not alone in this. The editorial review of the book "Kiss and Tell: Surveying Sex in the 20th Century" by Julia A. Ericksen and Sally A. Steffen on www.amazon.com said, "This book would serve well as a resource for students and scholars of North American sexual culture." Kissing and telling is so useful it is practically academic.

Humans can't get enough information. When it comes to sex, we're like Johnny Five from "Short Circuit," begging for input, input, input. Catering to our needs, every adult magazine on the racks has at least one sexpert on call to answer letters and questions. For example, there is a regular Cosmo section called "Sex Lessons With the Bedroom Baroness" which encourages libidinous questions. To do some heavy-duty research, go online to the "Sex Lessons" archive at www.cosmopolitan.com.

Maxim men's magazine has constant sex polls, a special S.A.T. test to "gauge your carnal knowledge," tests of your sexual IQ and fairly regular columns written by women to share the female gender's darkest secrets.

The topic of sex never is exhausted. People crave it. As a profession, all across the globe, people are kissing and telling in the media and getting paid well to do it.

Don't get me wrong. I am not, by any means, advocating that anyone breach anyone else's trust by disclosing information that the partner specifically requested to be kept silent. If someone asks me not to run my mouth about a certain sexcapade, I shall take it to the grave. And I would expect the same from him, as should anyone.

Word-of-mouth trust should absolutely never be violated, no matter how much a certain tale may suit the next storytelling session, and no matter how much your roommates drill you for the dirt.

Yet, if no lines are set for the future verbal arena, then no rules are being broken if incidents become semi-public knowledge.

Keep in mind, naturally, that no one wants his or her faults to be broadcast to the planet. In the Walt Disney movie "Bambi," Thumper set some good guidelines when he said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." If your inadequacies and imperfections are disclosed on a large-scale basis, you won't get laid for the rest of the year. Such is the power of reputation.

I will, however, be the first to say that sharing the negative moments can be as beneficial as it is hilarious. A good 80 percent of my wellspring of sexual knowledge comes from kissing and telling. Actual experience with another person makes up maybe 10 percent. I'll leave the other 10 percent to your capable imagination.

But in the grand scheme of things, we all learn invaluable pointers long before we perform any act. Not to mention the gender-specific bonding that occurs from late-night laughing over various hook-up pros and cons.

Bottom line: If you want somebody to keep their mouth shut about the procreative act that you just shared, tell them so. Threaten them, whatever, just make it clear that you are demanding respect by expecting their silence. If he or she can't follow that one rule, you have my full permission to drop-kick them in the head.

Otherwise, continue kissing and telling both selectively and wisely. You never know how much you can learn.