Holiday travels made easy by keeping score

The Writing on the Wall

We used to call it "December." But now, this period between Thanksgiving and New Years’ Day is affectionately known as the Holiday Season and unmistakably has been set apart from the rest of the year.

It’s the shopping season, when people set up camp overnight outside malls, Best Buy requires police presence to keep order and credit card executives purchase champagne by the case.

It’s the eating season, when fruitcakes actually sell, people bake as though the world were ending and many dream of exercised-based New Years’ Day resolutions that won’t last to Martin Luther King weekend.

It’s the decorating season, when millions cut down conifers and attempt to plant them in their living rooms, any number of cartoonish glowing plastic figurines are scattered about front yards and the especially desperate put green-leaved branches over their doorways and hope to get lucky.

But, arguably, the most stressful aspect of this time of year is the traveling season. Right when the weather gets particularly bad, we take to the interstates. And to alleviate some of that stress, we have devised an "I Spy"-style game that you and yours can play this holiday season that hopefully will take the edge off your traveling experience.

Points are awarded for seeing various objects. The player with the most points at the end of a trip wins the game. Other rules and point awards can be created at the agreement of all players involved at the start of the game, but this is not Monopoly — no rule changing once the game is underway.

Five points will be awarded to the player who finds the funniest bumper sticker on the road, which will be determined by all players at the end of the game. Some examples are "Ted Kennedy’s Car has Killed More People than My Gun," or anything from the "Jesus is My Homeboy" phenomenon. Confederate flags, however, are exempt because we want to laugh with the other driver, not at them.

In the same vein, two points will be awarded to a player who finds a "Kerry-Edwards" bumper sticker. Back in 2000, Democrats were bitter; this time, though, they’re just lazy. Extra points will be awarded to all players who make a sad face at the driver as they pass.

Every police officer you catch sight of on the road will get you ten points, but beware — any police officer that catches you is an automatic 50-point deduction for the driver. Be on guard if your travels take you through Pennsylvania, for they have cops like Harrisonburg has cows, and they very well might be paid by the ticket. They take in all that revenue and their roads are still as smooth as a drunken frat boy.

Be careful.

One point will be given to all players for every minute spent sitting in traffic, which will be amazing for all of you from Northern Virginia. A long time ago, in a land far, far away, some headcase thought the Beltway was a good idea. So at least while you’re stuck in park on 495, you can rack up some points.

The first to spy an overly aggressive driver will receive five points. Again, Northern Virginia has the edge in this category, since even the elderly drive like they just failed their road test and are mad about it.

We hope your shopping/eating/decorating/traveling/holiday season is a joyous one, and that you come back in January relaxed and ready to go. Have a Merry December, and God bless us, everyone!

Brian Goodman is an undeclared sophomore.