Annual 'War of the Roses' approaches

A Scoop of Good Humor

We see the decorations are up. We notice the pharmacy has stocked up on teddy bears and that all our favorite candies only are now sold in girlish-colored wrappers.

From this point on, a man's reaction to Valentine's Day is a lot like that of a dog who knows it's on its way to the vet.

As we start putting the pieces together in our head, our eyes begin darting around the room in a frightened panic. Then, finally, the realization hits us, and an overwhelming anxiety cascades down our bodies. That is about the point when we pee in our carrying cages and gnash our teeth at anybody who tries to pet us. Some of us even carry our metaphors on so long that people stop reading our column altogether.

We do have reason to panic though, for we fear what we do not know, and Valentine's Day is a complete female enigma to us.

However, there are multiple aspects of this holiday that boggle men's minds. First off — the roses. I just recently found out from a female friend of mine that each color carries a specific meaning. Let me share what I've learned of this rose code so far:

RED: love
WHITE: friendship
PEACH: happiness
CORAL-PEACH: Impending doom
IRIDESCENT BLUE/PURPLE: You've recently experimented with acid.

I think I speak for all men when I say that I didn't know a secret language existed at all, much less how to use it or that I shouldn't eat the stems. So girls, to clear up any confusion, the following is how guys perceive the rose color code.

RED: pretty
WHITE: pretty
PEACH: pretty
IRRIDESCENT BLUE-PURPLE: pretty awesome

I didn't even bother to put both peach and coral on the same list because our eyes are incapable of distinguishing between the two.

Make no mistake about it, Valentine's Day is a female holiday. The closest thing we have to a male holiday is the Super Bowl. I think we need a masculine holiday to even out the field a bit. How about a "Die Hard"/Steak Day? The festive color would be grill-burn black and the official symbol would be an explosion. Instead of a dozen roses and a box of chocolates, your significant other presents you with a 12 pack of lager and a 34 oz. porterhouse.

After dinner, you'd dim the lights, curl up in each other's grossly bloated arms and settle down for a Bruce Willis movie of your choosing, with the obvious exception of "Look Who's Talking." It is off limits because I don't believe "Mikey" ever was packing heat –– that is, unless you count what was in his diaper. Women ven may have the option of choosing the movie, just so long as the title and/or opening sequence begins with the word "die."

Another advantage of "Die Hard"/Steak Day is that it is easier to notice if somebody waited until the last minute. With Valentine's Day, your valentine could buy a box of chocolates at the 7-Eleven and grab some flowers out of your neighbor's garden and you would never know. This is because you cannot necessarily tell the difference between cheap and expensive chocolates or between store-bought and handpicked flowers.

However, I think you'd notice pretty quickly if the neighbor's dog was missing a 34-oz. section near its hind legs. You'll also know right away your date did things last minute if, instead of Guinness, they run in with a partly consumed Colt 45, sweat running down their face and a cursing hobo chasing close behind.

However, I must admit that there are some aspects of Valentine's Day that I do like. For instance, Valentine's cards make saying "I love you" a whole lot easier. I just wish that all of life's events came with catchy little cards to sugarcoat them. For example:

FRONT: My heart is all yours …
INSIDE: … And so is the kid. Look me up if you're ever in Mexico.

I'd really like to see Hallmark make more "Look me up if you're ever in Mexico" cards. Another card I would like to see them make is a "Sorry I never finished my column" card. That would really come in handy when, say, this sentence ends.

Dean Camp is a junior SMAD major.