Attempt to look good on slopes dead-end effort

Fashion Boss

Marc Choi / graphics editor

It's 12 degrees outside, there's no snow and no work to be done; therefore, my genius friends and I decided to go snowboarding.

A few hours later, when I am lying on the side of a mountain wondering if my tailbone is broken, I see what appears to be a large snowball fly by. Actually, it's not a snowball; it's a snowboarder clad in a metallic jacket and a ski hat with huge white spikes poking out.

It was then I realized I have no knowledge of snow sport fashion. This revelation brings me to the harsh reality that there are some areas in which I have no expertise. Therefore, I have embarked on a new mission to enlighten myself in this strange, cold area.

Regrettably, snow sports mostly are about function and little form. This implies that staying warm means looking like stuffed poultry ready for roasting. This brings me to an important question — how does one look good on the slopes without the dreaded sausage effect?

Start by checking out a local store called Ski and Skate. This ski store has a variety of snow gear, such as insulated pants with reinforcements sewn over the knees for the less-than-graceful snow athlete.

Aside from clothes, there is also the equipment — the fashion equivalent to expensive accessories. Having your own equipment sets you apart from the renters with their generic sticks loaded with deep scratches from inexperienced skiers such as myself.

As for the buyers, I have divided them into two categories — "recently bought" buyers and "whoa, that's from the '80s" buyers. The "recently bought" buyers own equipment that come in sleek colors and designs. In case the "whoa '80s" category wasn't explicit enough, these buyers' equipment come in colors such as bodacious purple, electric pink and other neon colors I haven't seen since third grade.

To avoid this quintessentially '80s look, I suggest buying equipment that comes in classic colors such as gray, black and blue. Also, keep in mind to look for high-quality makers. Insulated, waterproof gloves by Grandoe and clear goggles by Oakley all are Fashion Boss-approved.

Finally, there is the mystery surrounding the goofy hats; so, I decided I needed to do some more research to gain some sort of understanding about them. My first interview regarding the stupid hats was with senior Dave Allen, who also happens to be a self-proclaimed "snow snot." Allen said, "Well, I wear a Viking hat when I go skiing, but I would never wear it on campus."

JMU snowboarding team member George Bunch, a junior, said the wild and unique hats help him recognize his friends while on the slopes.

I have observed that the following conditions must apply if you are going to wear a goofy hat. 1. You must be very good on the slopes and 2. You must be relatively young. A goofy hat is almost like a status symbol that lets others know, "I am so good, I can wear this really stupid hat. So please move out of my way before I make you snow-kill."

So, after all this in-depth research, what can I conclude about snow fashion? Nothing, for even if you are wearing well-known labels, we all end up looking like we are the same width from the shoulders to the knees, similar to a log with toothpicks for arms and legs. In fact, the rescue squad should ditch the sled and just roll skiers down the mountain.

Then again, as I am laying in the middle of the trail, watching the swarms of sausage legs slide by, I realize it is not what you wear — gasp — but what you can do, that counts.