Sex in the Suburbs

Break reveals overrated components

One of the things I love most about college is knowing that a certain level of independence always will exist in that we're finally free to explore our emotions, our passions and, most importantly, our hearts.

When given such freedom for self-exploration, it is easy to get caught up in the emotions of a moment — of a relationship, even. Over time, words and actions become routine. Words can seem superfluous; actions may seem obsolete.

In a commercial culture that celebrates gift giving for loved ones every major holiday and admires those who can recite famous quotes about love from memory, actions and words can seem routine, almost expected, in a relationship. So, as we try to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk of young adults, I had to wonder — in the end, do actions speak louder than words?

Over the weekend, I attended my good friend's party, which required that all guests bring an escort. It was a rather formal affair, in which you were supposed to bring a date.

I was technically dateless. While I attended with a good male friend of mine, I didn't have an actual date. I couldn't ask the person I wanted to go with; I couldn't ask him because I wasn't supposed to.

Between being together and breaking up is a land of relationship limbo — the break. Respecting each other's time-apart period, the two of us generally decided not to speak to each other until said limbo was over. I knew I was hurting inside, but I had no idea how the other half was feeling.

It was in this sense I found myself a part of actions speaking louder than words. With an absence of further explanation, I was left to my own devices to conceive why the break occurred. The imaginary reasons grew from a few to hundreds in minutes, from whether things weren't meant to work out to that it was entirely my fault.

When somebody says, "We need a break," is it actions or words that have the greater say? While we can speak all the words we want to, physically abstaining from a person makes a bolder statement than words. I had become the last type of person I'd ever wanted to be in a relationship — the expectant girlfriend. I had placed such an emphasis on certain words and actions that the complete lack thereof was devastating.

I've never wanted to expect things in a relationship — only that I would love unconditionally and be loved in return. Directly prior to a break, it is hard to see any unconditional love in another's actions, which seemed to say, "I'd rather live without you right now."

I once was taught, "absence is the strongest form of presence." While past words and actions blurred together, the memories remained until it hurt to realize I might not have the chance to make such memories again. I had come to terms with the idea that through becoming accustomed to certain words and actions, perhaps I had been expecting the wrong things all along.

It didn't matter whether his pre-break actions or words had spoken louder — what hurt most was the absence of both. It wasn't that I loved him because I needed him, it was that I needed him because I loved him.

It didn't matter what was said or done. Instead came a component I hadn't much thought about — faith. While I didn't know if everything would go back to the way it was, I felt that faith would restore my situation to the way it was intended to be. As the break wore on, I discovered that faith trumped both words and actions, and belittled the importance of their implications. Faith in the viability of the relationship was its ultimate foundation — words and actions, actions and words — those merely were its building blocks.

A relationship is not about expectations — it shouldn't be words' or actions' results that count, but a person's pure intentions toward caring for another that ought to serve as true motivation.

As writer and naturalist Walter Anderson said, "Our lives improve only when we take chances — and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."

Caring about another person is a selfless act that requires not only emotional honesty with oneself, but with somebody else. All I can strive for is to learn to first be honest with myself, and have faith that things will work out, regardless of what is said or done. In the meantime, I'll let my words speak as loudly as they choose to.