Little Hands Big Needs

Grandparents in local program help family by taking care of grandchildren

Energetic, smiling Marissa*, now 5 years old, acts like any other child her age. One would never guess that, as a 2-year-old, she lived among drug addicts.

The last time Shelia Helsley and Jim Lincoln picked up their granddaugher, Marissa, the experience both was joyful and painful. Marissa was sitting on the floor with her suitcase in a small area cleared of the trash and feces. As soon as she saw Helsley and Lincoln, she bolted out the door to be with them.

"I remember [Marissa] yelled, 'Mom, I'm going to Grandma's,'" Lincoln said. "There was a naked lady on the couch and a drunk man walking down the hall."

Marissa's mother, Kathy*, a 25-year-old who "weighs maybe 80 pounds," according to Lincoln, was yelling from the doorway. Kathy, a drug addict with no car, house, permanent address or personal belongings, is Helsley's daughter.

"I would love for my daughter to get her act together," Helsley said. "But, I think most likely she'll [overdose]. In my heart, she's already died. I just haven't buried her."

Kathy, Helsley and Lincoln are not an unusual case. The U.S. Census Bureau reported that 4.5 million children lived with grandparents in 2002, according to the AARP. Another 2.4 million grandparents take care of a grandchild's basic needs, according to the same census.

About 80 percent of those times, grandparents step in to care for grandchildren because of a parent's substance abuse issues, according to Cindy Reeves, who has worked with Women's Health Focus and Rockingham Memorial Hospital for 15 years.

She also founded Parenting Education And Support for Grandparents (GRANDPEAS), a program geared toward helping grandparents like Helsley and Lincoln raise their grandchildren.

"Our mission is to reduce risk factors and increase protective factors for kids in the community," Reeves said. "Grandparents feel isolated, like they are the only ones [raising grandchildren]. This program brings grandparents together and provides them support and social opportunities."

Lincoln and Helsley both expressed having felt overwhelmed and isolated by their new responsibilities, especially in the beginning.

"It was very tense that [first] year," Helsley said. "We also went from having three full salaries a year to one, and we added a family member."

Lincoln said even the small things had a huge impact on the three of them.

"Simple things like having shots were a big deal," Lincoln said. "I had to go to the pediatrician with [Marissa]. It's been 20 years since I've had to do something like that."

Having little feet pitter-pattering around the house has taken away the spontaneity of adult life for Lincoln and Helsley as well.

"The days of someone calling at quarter to seven to meet at seven and have dinner and a beer are gone," Lincoln said. "But, that's not necessarily a bad thing."

Since GRANDPEAS started up in August, the three have been regular attendants. The support, coupled with the opportunity to introduce Marissa to other children in similar situations, is priceless, according to Helsley.

"She had no interaction with other children [early on]," Helsley said. "She didn't talk until she lived with us."

Nowadays, Marissa is a well-adjusted and confident child who seems to realize the worth of each day with her new caretakers.

"Things little girls usually take for granted, she never takes for granted," Lincoln said.

Despite any constrictions or complications, Lincoln and Helsley agreed wholeheartedly that Marissa is nothing short of a blessing.

"We were dying [whenever she was gone]," Helsley said. "We were always wondering what was going on with her. That's when we knew we loved her and we couldn't live without her."

For Helsley especially, Marissa was an elixir of life. About a year ago, Helsley's mother had her first surgery. Marissa, who was 3 years old at the time, was there from that moment until the day Helsley's mother passed away, taking naps in the Intensive Care Unit waiting rooms and chit-chatting with all of the patients.

"It was a grotesque surgery, and [Marissa] saw everything. She wasn't put off at all," Helsley said. "To us, she was such a blessing. She was life when my mother was dying."

Helsley admitted she didn't tell Kathy about the surgery. The hospital, Helsley believed, was only too accessible for a desperate drug addict, and she was worried about leaving Marissa with Kathy.

"[The Virginia Department of Social Services] told us 'never leave the child alone, never turn your back and never underestimate [your daughter and her boyfriend] when they come to visit,'" Helsley said. "It was a shame not to tell [Kathy], but it was the right decision."

Despite the positive outcome of taking care of Marissa, it was a jarring road to happiness for Lincoln, Helsley and Marissa, both financially and emotionally.

"We had five court cases in Tidewater," Helsley said. "We had two lawyers, so legal bills were another struggle."

Long before Lincoln and Helsley could get the law involved, they both struggled to bring Marissa's abhorrent living situation into the light.

"Social services made eight visits [to Kathy's home], and no one was let in," Helsley said. "Until you can prove [conditions are bad enough to remove the child], you're just crazy grandparents."

Pained expressions clouded both faces as Helsley and Lincoln described the first two years of Marissa's life. Marissa spent every day shut in her room with a dresser in front of the door. Kathy left the television on all day, tuned to the Cartoon Network. Although most of the time Kathy would slide food under the door, there is documentation of days when Marissa had to dig through the trash to pacify her hunger.

"God knows what she's seen," Lincoln said. "Stuff a 2-year-old should never see."

Every time Helsley and Lincoln were able to take Marissa out of the house, her clothes were filthy and her skin was covered with fleabites. Worst of all — Marissa had really never been outside.

"I remember the first time she fell down on the lawn," Lincoln said. "She didn't know what grass was. She'd never been in a yard. She'd never even been on a swing."

Lincoln warns other grandparents to act immediately if they think their grandchild is in danger.

"Don't wait [until] the child is older and it will be harder to deal with the emotional issues that go along with these situations," Lincoln said.

Lincoln and Helsley also realize they are not the only grandparents experiencing round two in the child-rearing department.

"There are other grandparents out there doing the same thing, and who think they are all alone," Lincoln said. "But, there are other people who have gone through the same thing, or are going through the same thing, and they're only a phone call away."

GRANDPEAS meets on the first and third Wednesday of each month. A respite will be held Saturday, April 10, from 3 to 7 p.m. (location TBA). All grandparents and other relatives raising children are welcome to attend. For more information on the GRANDPEAS program and/or the respite, call Cindy Reeves at 433-4421.