ESPN about flashiness instead of reporting sports

From Left Field

One day, when I make billions exploiting the beauty of capitalism, I will do two things — first, I will become an eccentric then I will start my own telecommunications company.

I will become an eccentric merely because opulent wealth permits it. Also, as a result, no one would be in a position to criticize my eccentricity — I would be capitalist royalty.

For example, if Bill Gates decided one day that instead of wearing regular shoes he was going to sport a pair of black leather stiletto boots, no one would say anything about it. And if they did, it would be “he’s rich and eccentric.” Then they would just have to accept it and move on.

The point is, the common man simply can’t pull off black leather stiletto boots — co-workers would speculate.

However, if that same common man was inclined to wear black leather stiletto boots and those co-workers did gossip, the stiletto-wearer would more than likely be entitled to some bit of financial compensation in court due to the co-workers’ failure to embrace his diversity.

If one is wealthy beyond life, they are not afflicted with the insipid concerns of the proletariat.

Second, and most importantly, I will start my own telecommunications company — and it won’t be out of any sort of innate love for journalism or a desire to better inform the masses but, rather, out of spite for the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, better known as ESPN.

ESPN, specifically the spectacle called “SportsCenter,” seems to have adopted the prevailing trend in popular culture that viewers are incapable of original and analytical thought.

I cite reality television, ClearChannel Radio and the abolition of the McDonald’s “Super-size” as recent examples.

It used to be, in the not-so-distant past, “SportsCenter” would semi-objectively report game scores and show sports highlights in a concise one-hour time frame.

Now, apparently, ESPN requires two hours for its “SportsCenter” Top 10s, Budweiser Hot Seats, “SportsCenter” Exams and inane previews of what they will analyze later in the show.

Does anyone remember “Plays of the Week”? It used to run every Sunday and Monday night to recap the most outstanding plays of the past seven days.

So, now, instead of seven days worth of great plays, we only get one because of the Top 10s and assorted other commercial silliness that ESPN made integral to its network.

Unfortunately, like much of the rest of the world, ESPN has become a proponent of “bigger is better” — even if it dilutes the product.

Consider the new Star Trek-style set.

Apparently, Bristol, Conn. has entered the space age and decided not to inform the rest of existence.

Look at the number of original non-sports-event programs ESPN has created recently, including movies, talk shows, mini-series’, and Jim Rome.

ESPN even has its very own game show. They call it “Dream Job” and, in the spirit of “American Idol,” the viewers choose the very next SportsCenter anchor on national television.

Now I might be generalizing on this one, but most ESPN viewers are more interested in whether their team won than what “Dream Job” judge and Washington Redskins middle linebacker LaVar Arrington has to say about the competency of an anchor candidate.

I am sure Arrington’s alma mater, Penn State, is a fabulous school, but what exactly does he know about sports journalism?

However, I suppose it is fitting that ESPN would have a game show.

“SportsCenter” anchors do more “hosting” than actual “reporting” lately.

Imagine if CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer decided that instead of reporting the latest presidential race happenings, he called John Kerry the “illest democratic nominee since President John Kennedy” a` la the always-trendy Stuart Scott.

This also applies to fellow ESPN anchor John Andersen, from whom the adjective, “illest” just doesn’t seem to flow.

I’ve decided that in order to prevent such extraneous commentary on Andersen’s part, every time he uses “illest” or the equally popular “sick” to describe a highlight, the teleprompter should reach out and smack him — that is, if teleprompters had arms.

Speaking of Wolf Blitzer, ESPN has caught onto the media analyst trend. CNN, the “fair and balanced” Fox News, MSNBC, et cetera all employ analysts for their coverage — ESPN has not been left behind.

ESPN, in what could be considered a charitable act, has decided to give retired athletes gainful employment when their playing days have passed.

This is fine, except most of them are graduates of the Jim Rome University of Sports Journalism, whose mission statement is as follows: “In the stead of knowledge, research and legitimate intelligence, the sports journalist shall instead make gaudy guarantees as to the outcome of events (ESPN has no time for actual results) and rely on the next best thing to actual fact: hearsay and rumor.”

Michael Irvin may have been a talented wide-receiver, but he should not be paid to share his opinions.

I attribute “SportsCenter’s” fall to the aforementioned Scott, who is the consummate purveyor of not-so-witty commentary and holds a masters degree from Jim Rome U.

However, I have the solution.

Bring back Charley Steiner and make him anchor every “SportsCenter” until the end of time, or until I assimilate Disney into my telecommunications empire — whichever comes first.

Steiner was to “SportsCenter” what the waning and waxing moon is to the tides. Okay, maybe Steiner isn’t that quite that epic, but he’s pretty damn close. However, he is exactly what “SportsCenter” needs in order to elevate the anchors — and ESPN, to their former greatness.

Andersen and Scott should take notes from Charley Steiner, and if they don’t, they will be crushed under the capitalist power of my empire.

I do not need or want a Stuart Scott soliloquy every time someone hits a home run. Just stick with “boo-yah” and stop trying to lower my IQ.

Matthew Stoss is a freshman who wants to see his weekly sports highlights without idle commentary and inane banter everytime an athlete does something spectacular.