Public sex: It’s not all fun and games

Sex in the Suburbs

Yes, there actually are lots of real problems with public sex. And I’m not only talking about getting caught. In fact, I believe that getting caught is one of the perks to public sex. Why else would anyone want to get laid in a men’s room stall at a gas station?

The first real trouble with having sex in public places is its addictiveness. I would be willing to bet anyone that once wouldn’t be enough. You simply can not stop. You’ve opened up the sexual flood gates — okay, so the library was hot…what would the Quad be like? Ooh, or how about beneath the little Madison statue near Hoffman Hall? (The size comparison may do a lot of good). D-Hall? See?

The mind can’t help but wander. It’s like a drug – you’re always looking for a new and better rush. Sure, the library is public, but way too safe. Most people never even go to the library anyways. A better bet would be somewhere like the Wilson Hall front steps, where lots of kids are forced to go to every day.

Although making romp sessions public domain is addictive, it also loses a certain je ne sais quois. Growing up watching Tom Cruise do that chick from "Top Gun" in their blue bedroom while Berlin cooed in the background set a standard of intimacy that can rarely be met on, say, a pitcher’s mound. This intimacy does not have the awkward after-effects as would removing leaves, etc. from various parts.

One of these awkward after-effects is, for example, the smug look you get afterward. One day I came home after countless piles of bad news to my roommate smiling on my couch.

"I gave him head in the library!" she cried and I knew what the following days would bring. "The darkroom!" "The kitchen counter!" (not so funny). It wasn’t going to stop. At least, not any time soon.

And for the outsiders’ point of view, there’s nothing more befuddling than turning a corner in a grocery store (or wherever) and walking in on a quick session. Some of you may even hope for the opportunity to "lend a hand." But then that opens up a whole new drawer of problems.

The other dangerous problem with public sex is that you can always run out of rendezvous points. And you know that you’ve run out when you’re screwing in a marked up booth in a sleezy bar. That’s where relationships go to die.

After considering all the wild places that my guy — Dr. D — and I played, I got to thinking: What is so wrong with the bedroom anyhow? Maybe the biggest problem with public sex is the loss of intimacy after all.

Sure, having sex with a bookcase up your butt is an experience that we should all be able to go through one day. But let us never forget that we can still have our breath taken away under the sheets.